Truthfully...

I am squashed...

Well I was pushed to continue college to bachelor degree you see, but I am not looking forward the thesis one.

Last time I do something like research the lecturer was really very hard to meet, so many mistakes in our paper research too.

If I have to do it alone may as well I am kinda screwed, because I only can add what I can thing of.

Yes, the paper research making was in groups.

Not looking forward seeing this one particular lecturer either cause he's also one in the college that I have to go...later as well.

Second, I also pushed to go to mandarin class to, separate place not in the college I have to...go.

Just because it was said that the place will give scholarship to China or something.

And I do very sure that I am not so smart at memorizing them mandarins.

I feel so pessimistic and try to wait until September, because yeah like..."Hurray! I am graduated from this college!" and "last party with friends and last memory with them before all of us separate." That tear jerking moment.

But I don't think I can go through that happily...

Third, work, I already said that I am pessimistic...so yeah I kinda just helping around a bit at the cafe aaaand other than that is doing a little cleaning and all.

My knowledge about things feels kinda too chopped up.

I study english and also in business department, and I did good. But can I do much better in jobs like I was in college?

I am a person who have so many things to think of, questions about life, or something I want to do but so many that I cannot even try to do it.

I was thinking of psychology because I like to hear and give people advice I can give.

I also like to hums my own music.

I like poetry and drawing.

I have been thinking about making drawn poetry story.

A result of me thinking, "can I use my hobby as means of work and for money?"

Because money yeah, so like my parents don't have to work anymore, I can be more independent.

And so my mom will stopped yelling about it when she's angry.

She tends to just shoot words rekindling my brother and my state about my brother low salary(he still in college though), about his friend urging him to play DotA2 with him until dawn about 1 or 2 a.m, about me whose kinda jobless not like doing things except small errands for my mom, and not going to the college inquiring information about signing in along with the mandarin one. About how she sees that we seem to play games so much.

I have been thinking to change but somehow I feel so pessimistic, when I try to be optimistic, life does not seem to agree to my optimistic, turns more to wrong than right, getting mad at...

There also maybe someone like me feel that too, but maybe they are more successful overcoming their troubles...

I feel like a sore loser.

P.S : I found out both places already due. So I lost half year of college and course.